When I think of the violence in this country, I not only think of the lax gun laws, but I think of what might make people be OK with this level of violence. What could push a person so far that he/she might think of turning a gun on a crowd of people? What might make that person feel so hopeless? What might make that person so inured of the suffering that act might bring.
In “my day” racism was rampant, there was political corruption (even way back then lol), the anti-gay sentiment was expected, and parents were allowed to beat their children. It wasn’t a perfect time, no matter what we may want to think. However, as a teen, I had hope. I thought my voice was heard and I believed that if there were enough of us speaking together, we could prevail. So, politically, I believed my voice counted. The economics of the time were different. My father was able to feed and clothe us all (6 of us kids) and with an after school job, I could make enough money to have a fairly active social life, if I so chose. Upon high school graduation, I was able to support myself, in my own apartment, with my own car, AND pay tuition and books for college. I didn’t have anything left over, but I could do it by being very judicious with my money. When I graduated from college, I had no debt. I had hope. The future was mine to shape as I chose.
Because our economic system worked a little differently in those days, many mothers were home during the day. I remember knowing that when I got home from school there would be someone interested in the kind of day I had and interested enough in me to help me with my perspective of that day. I knew that, when push came to shove, my mom would back me if I needed her.
Teens, today, don’t have the kind of hope we had in the 60’s and early 70’s. Moms can no longer afford to be at home when their children arrive. In the few hours in the evenings, there is supper, homework, scheduling, and cleanup to be considered before one even has time to talk about the day and perspectives of that day. Today, it’s difficult for a teen to even get an after school job. Many of the jobs for which I was qualified as a teen, now require one to be 18. College is something for which it is now impossible to afford on a minimum wage job. Few teens of middle class families come out of college debt free. The future is not theirs to shape. The future is predetermined by the amount of college debt.
As a young married woman, my husband an I owned our own homes. Yep, two of them. We had 20 acres in Eastern Washington and a home in Sultan. We could afford it. We were both working with no children. In this day and age, how many young married can even think of owning a home? They rent from a landlord whose goal is the biggest profit he can get, Mom and Dad both work to afford this home and are not able to be full time parents, college is a dream which will cost them dearly for years to come and be unavailable to a great segment of the population, and those kids have been watching the political climate and they know their voices are not heard. Hope is fleeting. The American dream of doing better than our parents did is pretty much gone.
Add to all of the above the fact that team activities are quickly becoming a thing of the past. In public school when I was young, we had three recesses a day in the primary grades. During those recesses, team games were played; 4 square, tether ball, red rover, etc. Then, in junior high through high school, PE was a requirement. Team games were part and parcel of PE. School sports were (and still are) a big part of high school experience, but not everyone has a chance to play those games. With PE not a requirement, not everyone has a chance to learn team work. Music is no longer a requirement. Even learning to sing in a choir or play in a band teaches teamwork.
Where do children find consistent support in this new world? Where do they learn that they are part of a team? Where are the mentors?
It’s easier to pick up an easily procurable gun and shoot a crowd of people when one feels hopeless about the future and alone in the world.
The above was written from the perspective of a straight, white woman who raised two straight, white children. Can you just imagine what it might be like to be experiencing all of the above in addition to being black? Being trans? Being gay? Being Hispanic? Or being any of the other scores of differences in a world which values conformity?
Teaching empathy to our children requires us to be empathetic with them as well as asking the question, “How would you feel if…………” In order to do that, we must be there with them. If we are forced to work to feed them, how can we be there to teach? Helping our children gain perspective when their school life seems harsh to them requires that we have the time to listen to what they say and form a thoughtful response. Can we do that between the hours after work and before bedtime? Being able to see the world in a positive light requires physical health beginning with decent nutrition and a good night’s sleep. Do our children get this when we come home from work too tired to chop up all those organic vegetables and fix farm-fresh, organic meat? By the time we’ve made that nutritious meal, sat down to eat it as a family, done up the dishes while they are doing their homework, what time is it? Shouldn’t they already have gone to bed?
How do we fix this? Yes, we make guns harder to get. We make common sense gun laws and make owning a gun as difficult as owning a car. That won’t fix the whole problem. What’s happening to our children? What do children need that we are no longer able to provide for them? Children need a consistent caregiver. Children need to feel heard. Children need to learn to feel empathy. Children need decent nutrition and decent sleep. Children need support when things are not going well. They need to know someone who loves them has their back. Looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, American children are not getting what they need in order to do anything but survive and many of them are not surviving.
How can we help our children reach even level three if we are struggling so to provide level one for them?
Being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom used to be a choice. In the 80’s, when I was raising my own children, I chose to stay at home, sometimes longingly watching my neighbors who were working moms lol. They had money I didn’t have and they had a social world I could no longer manage. However, it’s not a choice for most American moms at this point. All I can see is, that in this country, to be able to give our children the things they need to feel a part of society and not isolated; in order to be able to raise them to be accepting and not judging; in order to be able help them to be non violent contributors instead of violent takers, we must change things on a grand scale. We need to fix the economy and tax structure so those moms who choose to stay home with their children can. We need to change the economic climate enough so that those moms who choose to work have reliable day care with few enough children in each class so the daycare teacher has time to mentor our little ones. We need to change our political priorities so infrastructure is a priority. Our children need clean water and clean air. We need to change our health care in order that those of our children who need it can access mental health care and even regular doctor’s appointments! We need to fix the educational system so our children have the same hope I did as a youngster. I knew I could conquer the world and I was “different”. Our children need that same hope. We need to change the way our political system works so that our children’s voices will be heard.
The 50’s and 60’s and 70’s had their problems, but, in those days, we thought we could fix it. We thought we could heal those challenges we saw in our society and political system. We not only couldn’t fix them but we’ve handed down to our children economic and educational hopelessness. Hell, they don’t even know if there will be a planet left on which they can live when they grow up. We need change on a big scale in order to stop the gun violence in our country. Common sense gun laws are such a small part of that.
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