When I sit down to supper with my husband, I would like his attention to be on me. When we’re having a conversation, I would like to know that I’ve been heard and I would like to be able to follow what he says. When I have my family around my table, I would like to be family! I would like there to be the repartee that I experienced as a child around my mother’s table. When my daughter and I are talking about her son, my grandson, I would like the flow of conversation to be smooth. I’m old enough that with interruptions, I have been known to lose the plot. I am old enough and respected enough in my family to be able to say, “I would like your whole attention”. What do the little ones do? Do they feel as “second best” as I do when someone’s attention is suddenly focused somewhere else and I didn’t even know it was coming because the Bluetooth makes no sound? Do they feel as pushed to the side as I do when there is no family interaction at the supper table? I’ve been having conversations with people and all of a sudden I realize they are not talking OR listening to me. Without my even being aware of it, someone entered their earpiece and became the focus and I’m just irrelevant. It hurts my feelings and I’m old and wise (a li’l tongue in cheek), can you imagine what it does to a child?
Irrelevant. Think about that word. When we are talking and you answer the voice in your ear, I feel irrelevant. If our children grow up feeling irrelevant, how does that shape their self image and we already know that behavior is based on self image. In the “olden days” the phone would ring and we would either answer it, or not. If we were having an important conversation, we would not! It’s not that way anymore and I wonder if it’s a piece of the puzzle when we try to understand the behavior of our children. Our children are born needing our attention and that need never really goes away. When they don’t need us for food, dry clothing and a roof over their heads, they still need to know they are a priority in our lives. They need to know that we WANT to spend time with them and that we are interested in them. How can they know that if, at any moment,without warning, our attention is focused on someone more important. And, believe me, that’s the message. If someone is willing to leave our conversation to begin one with someone else, that someone else is more important than we are.
When my daughter got her first cell phone, we had a “moment” in a department store. We went shopping together and yet we weren’t together at all. She was on the damned phone for the whole time. I stewed about it. I thought about my own teenaged years and then I sat down and waited for her to discover I was missing. When she did and was confused about why I’d sat down, I explained to her that if she wanted to shop with her friends in her ear, that was fine. But, I didn’t need to be there. If she wanted to shop with me, she needed to put the phone away. I think the little ones would like to be able to verbalize the same sentiment. I remember back to when I was growing up. I really, really wanted my mom’s attention. As the eldest of 6, it was hard enough to get. I cannot imagine what it might have been like if she’d spent hours on her Bluetooth, attention on her friends instead of on her children. I wouldn’t have gotten any at all!
When our children act out, they are trying to get our attention. There is always some sort of reward for our behavior, even our bad behavior. We don’t do things without gaining something in return. How many times have I heard a young mother say into her phone, “I need to go, my kid is acting out again” or words to that effect. If the only way a child can get our attention is to act out, that’s what that child will do. If a child can gain our attention by behaving, then that’s what that child would rather do.
When we are on our phones, that’s where our attention is. I feel so badly for the children who just want a mom or a dad to love them and spend time with them but are in competition with a phone. Don’t even get me started on laptops and computer games.
Teri's Healing Tides 